


Unsteady

by vario23



Category: Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Cath and Wren as kids, Fangirl, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 11:21:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12131355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vario23/pseuds/vario23
Summary: Cath and Wren in the pre-college years.





	Unsteady

We were four.

 

You and I sat on the front porch, talking mindlessly. A grape-flavored popsicle in your hand, a cherry-flavored popsicle in mine. We sat in pure innocence, not knowing the harsh reality soon to come. Mamma came out and kneeled down in front of us, tears streaming down her perfect face, telling us that we were “such good girls”. She kissed our foreheads, and hugged us. Neither of us knew what was going on. Sometimes, Mamma cried and told us she loved us, and others, she yelled and hit. But right then, she cried and hugged, so we hugged back, because that was the thing to do. 

 

We were seven. 

 

Her bipolar tendencies confused me, leaving me feeling lost, alone, and scared. You were never scared. You were always the brave one. When Mamma screamed at Daddy, I jumped. You ran over, and you held me like you always did, because that’s what twins are supposed to do. Hold each other, and be there for one another during the tough times. I heard a crash, and you held me tighter. I cried. You wanted to cry too, but you didn’t show it. You hid it from me. It was hidden far too well.

 

We were eight. 

 

Neither of us were prepared for it. Momma and Daddy were yelling again, and I didn’t know how much more of it I could take. You were holding me again. I heard a door slam with finality, and I didn’t dare make a sound. I was silently sobbing in our small, cramped room, not sure what would happen next. When you’re a child, you don’t think your Mom will ever leave, even if she tells you that you were a mistake. You think that she’ll always love you. And in ways, she did. But in this moment, we were just too much for her. 

 

We were eleven. 

 

Grandma had brought us home from school early, because Daddy was in the mental hospital again. We were both scared, and yet again, you didn’t show it. My legs were jittery, and made of jello. They never stopped bouncing. Your legs were still, but your fists were clenched, filled to the brim with determination to hold it in. I tried to hide the crying like you always did so well, but yet again, I had failed. You turned your head, and took my hand. You squeezed it and told me I was going to be okay, that Daddy will come home soon. I cried. You didn’t. You were strong. 

 

We were fifteen.

 

You and I were in high school. Life was much better than before, but in much different terms. Dad hadn’t been in the mental hospital in almost three years. I hadn’t had an anxiety attack in months. Everything was starting to look up in my life, except for one thing: You. During lunch, you sat by Caroline. Away from me. You were the only one I had. It was almost as if now that you made sure things were okay at home, you didn’t feel the need to take care of me. It felt like you weren't there. We weren't Cath and Wren anymore. I wanted you to still hug and hold me when things were uncertain. But it was never that bad at this point, so you never held me. I read my Simon Snow books in my room and stayed up all night on tumblr, and you drank beer at parties and kissed hot boys. And I was alone. 

 

We were nineteen.

 

I sat next to you on the hospital bed, an IV in your arm, a constant tremor in mine. You were conscious for the first time in a couple hours. I had got a call from Laura. She had said it was alcohol poisoning. I hadn’t spoken to you in weeks, and here you are in a hospital bed, and my last words to you could’ve been something mean and horrible, and I don’t even know why you kept in touch with Laura when she did nothing but hurt and yell at us, and I don’t know why but my mind won’t stop racing, and neither can my heart. But then I look at you. And you’re smiling. Hidden beneath all those hateful words we had said towards each other, you still smiled, and comforted me. You took my hand, and held it in yours. Then, you broke the silence, your voice barely reaching a whisper. 

 

“I love you”.

We reached out and hugged each other. We stayed like that in the small hospital bed for God knows how long, and I was starting to smell like your vomit, but I didn’t care. Sometimes we bickered and fought, but other times, we hugged and cried. Right now, you were hugging and crying, so I hugged and cried back, because that was the thing to do.


End file.
